I fail at fail pvping

This time around I planned to actually participate in hulkageddon. So, about a week and a half ago I made two fresh alts, joined them to my main corp and started their skillplans, going for thermodynamics, drone interfacing and the support skills. Then bought 70 thoraxes in jita and 70 thorax fits in Dodixie (thanks missioners!). Three hours before hulkageddon 3 starts, I realize that hulkageddon is going to start in three hours when I thought it was about eight hours away. Unfortunatley, I’m in the middle of garden chores for my grandmother.

One hour, four holly bushes and three car chases later I was at home. I booted up my two laptops, plan in mind. The theory was, I’d appear in system in an orca and two pods, warp to a station. Fit two thoraxes using the station system, put the fitted thoraxes in the maint bay. Warp to a safe, drop combat probes over the belts, pin a hulk, board and warp the thoraxes as fast as possible, land, gank, victory.

I’ve had…difficulties.

So, once I get home, I check evemon on the two characters I’ve been training. One has finished everything but drones V, and the other has finished everything except for Engineering V. Oh, and Gallente frigate IV.

Oops >.>

So, I get one of my nullsec alts, skilled entirely for a logistics BS droneboat. I start him training med hybrid turret, install a JC in the nullsec station I’m sitting in and pod myself back to empire. One hurtle over.

Then it comes to the orca. For those who just downloaded capsuleer or have short term memory loss, my Orca violently exploded completely due to my own idiocy and half-asleepness. For those not in my corp, we have a t1 replacement policy. For those who aren’t a close personal friend of mine, I’m half British. Thus when my CEO contracted me a new Orca for free, I felt horrendously guilty. Not enough to not use the Orca in stupid/risky scenarios, but still, guilty. Anywho, I found the orca on my main account and contracted it to my orca pilot who was currently working as a BS logistics pilot in null. Orca pilot installs JC in null station, pods herself, back to empire. Update clone, accept orca contract…..

Orca 40j away?

Double check clone is updated, change clone location to a different station, self destruct my pod again……

2j away. Much better.

Jita 15j away? eeh.

Hulkageddon starts in 45 minutes? DAMNIT!

I immidiatley buy whatever meta inertial stabalizers are avaliable in station, slap em on and light a fire under my 30-second align time hull. Half an hour later, I arrive in jita and start fitting the orca for cargo and combat probes.

Hmm, combat probes require an expanded launcher.

Hmm, orca pilot can’t use an expanded……damnit!

Three hour train time.

Buy cargo expanders, slap em on. Buy three large cargohold optimizations, fit rigs, yes I’m sure I want to do this…

“you need astronautics rigging at at least 1 to fit this.”

“What?”

OK, 40 minute train time but that’s not too bad, only two less thoraxes. Start it training.

Alright, since I had all the fits I purchased ahead of time already set, I stuff the 70x fittings of thoraxes in the orca and manage to fit right thoraxes. Here’s the fit:

Best Ion blaster I have at the time x5 (couldn’t find 400 meta 4 blasters for cheap for some reason. Go figure)

Best cheap target painter
Best cheap warp disruptor
tech one sensor booster with scan resolution

Four gyrostabs magnetic field stabs and a reaction control.

hammerhead I x5.

Oh wait, one of the alts has drones IV. Damnit!

And the other one can’t overheat. FFS!

Neither can use sensor boosters as that was a last minute change advised by Python Cartel. Who are jerks.

One of the alts can’t use a disruptor. How’d that happen?

Anyway, I start the alts training on whatever I’ve forgotten and manage to undock in the Orca with two thoraxes following her, one with a web fitted. Fast warping yay!

Alright, let’s go to an ice belt. On the way there, I find a hulk. In a belt.

Warp thoraxes to belt.

Keep range at 50m.

Launch drones.

Overheat. Engage target GOGOGO!

Are you sure you want to do this YES I AM SURE PLEASE LET ME NAO

FIRE FIRE FIRE Jammed, scrammed, I pop. Hulk is alive at 33% shields. How’d that happen?

Undaunted, I warp the pods out with the Orca to a safe and start fitting a thorax on one of the alt.

Concord: ” I HATEZ U PREPAR 2 DIE”

Me: “lolwut?”

alt: “GYAH EJECT EJECT EJECT” *pop*

So, apparently there’s this global criminal countdown thing.

In an Orca and two pods, I go to an ice system, .7 system. Go to a planet, check that big red 15 minute timer. Gone. Wewt!

Fit a thorax, tab to the other alt. Grab a thorax out of the Orca with the other alt and…

Concord:” Oh Em Gee WE SHOOT U”

me: “wut?”

alt: *pop*

Apparently getting killed by concord resets the criminal thingy. Alrighty. Wait 15 minutes, refit, warp to belt to a previously BMed hulk.

Wewt, no shield boosters or hardeners running. Engage!

An Arazu jams me.

Pop.

Pop.

Concord begins to warp scramble hammerhead I!

Pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop.

Alright, let’s find a .5 system.

I find a .5 system, load up the combat probes, scan and BAM got a hulk. Fleetwarp the thoraxes, land on hulk, drones, lock, engage.

*PoP* *Pop*

I forgot to overheat >.<

Fifteen minutes later, two more thoraxes, lose two more thoraxes but get him to 2/3rds structure. Out of thoraxes, back to Jita. I'll try again tonight.