How to be an idiot

Posted: 2010-06-28 | Author: miningzen | Filed under: eveonline | Tags: humor, jokes, miningzen |8 Comments

One of my favorite things to do in Eve is not to haul through low, not to scan, but to be an idiot for giggles. Here’s a sample chatlog that I’ll take you through in detail.

Casiella Truza > I love finding abandoned drones on gates.

Cas here is our unwilling straight man. Throughout the convo, he will make completely rational points. The goal is to confuse/annoy him to the point that it becomes funny.

haav0c > i love boiled peanuts and creme soda
haav0c > to each his own

I’ve started with a simple straight counterpoint to his “I love” statement.

Casiella Truza > ew.
haav0c > *rude gesture*
Casiella Truza > don’t blame me for your terrible taste
haav0c > no, i’ll blame you for your horrible taste
haav0c > boiled peanuts are the shiznit.

Boiled peanuts are nice, but I don’t defend them this fervently often. This is the first part of acting like an idiot, support a given topic fervently.

Casiella Truza > I dislike nuts and they sound high in sodium
haav0c > sodium is also the shiznit

Repitition of the word “shiznit” implies that I love high sodium intake as much as I love delicious boiled peanuts. This is the first inane statement, from which you develop from.

Casiella Truza > not when you have hypertension, it’s not :p
haav0c > i take it hypertension is not the shiznit?
Casiella Truza > aka “high blood pressure”
haav0c > that’s the bit where you’ve got the
haav0c > ohhh
Casiella Truza > heart attacks are definitively not the shiznit
haav0c > only if you’re not manly enough to defend yourself!
Casiella Truza > …

Now, here’s your first “dumbass” statement. A good statement is funny and cannot be justified in any way but the inane. Stay away from things actually defendable or you might rope someone in who will legitimately defend the claim, and that just gets awkward.

haav0c > i shall eat enough sodium to have a heart attack just so I can defeat it!
haav0c > just to show how manly I am.

“Manly” and it’s unquantifiable nature is the core of this specific stupid argument.

00sage00 > good luck
Casiella Truza > yeah, good luck with that.
Casiella Truza > can I have your stuff when you die?

00sage has entered the convo. Depending on what mood the third player is in, he’ll either play a second straight man or we can bounce ridiculous phrases off each other.

00sage00 > how about you stick your head under a semi’s wheel? you can really be manly about that

Alright, he’s not a second straight man.

haav0c > how exactly can you challenge a clogged artery to a duel?
00sage00 > 😀
haav0c > is there a wiki for that?
00sage00 > the wiki for RealLive(TM) is http://www.wikipedia.org
haav0c > doesn’t seem manly enough
haav0c > /emote trademarks “manlypedia,org”
Casiella Truza > do you define “manly” as “stupid”? >.>

O noes! Cas has figured it out! If you ignore the accusation, he will keep going back to it. Use inane logic to explain the situation and move on.

haav0c > it’s an odd coincidence that manly things can also be interpreted as stupid in almost all scenarios.
haav0c > It’s vital to my manliness that I look at it as manly and not stupid.
Casiella Truza > . . .
haav0c > or i’ll look stupid.
haav0c > for example!
haav0c > cutting off your own head with a chainsaw
haav0c > manly, yes?
Casiella Truza > no.
Casiella Truza > just stupid.
haav0c > it is.
haav0c > no, see, that’s the trick
haav0c > you musn;t think of it as stupid or you’ll be thinking the ENTIRE time “oh how silly i look”
haav0c > instead of “man, i’m so manly, I hope someone’s filming this”

Rationality: AVOIDED!

Casiella Truza > no, no, that’s just stupid. “being a good father”, now THAT’S manly.

The straight man plays his job too well. He’s gone into territory that may make you seem like an asshole if you say the wrong thing. Use inane logic to point out how his point is slightly good but you have several better ones.

haav0c > does being a good father involve…lifting heavy objects?
Casiella Truza > it certainly can
haav0c > copious amounts of women?
Casiella Truza > have you ever lugged a baby carrier around the mall?
haav0c > or a combination of the two?
haav0c > were you bench pressing the carrier in question?
00sage00 > too much of a woman
Casiella Truza > need not be copious, but at least one, by definition….
Casiella Truza > bicep curls.
haav0c > mmhm.
haav0c > not, say, juggling it?
haav0c > this doesn’t appear as the manlyest use of your time.
Casiella Truza > given that yesterday was Father’s Day, I’m just declaring being a good dad “manly” by fiat.
haav0c > try grimacing more.
haav0c > very manly.
haav0c > do you have a manly beard?
Casiella Truza > my 3yo colored on the walls yesterday, I was grimacing like John McClane
haav0c > you need at least two manly beards.
Casiella Truza > I had one until this weekend.
haav0c > more is preferable.
00sage00 > grimaces and beards do not make you manly
00sage00 > penises do

Thank you 00sage for changing the topic.

Casiella Truza > Bears have a weird mystical power.
haav0c > penises with beards?

Hint your support to the new topic!

00sage00 > python is manly
Casiella Truza > Beards too >.>
Casiella Truza > BEARDS ARE MANLY.
00sage00 > PENISES ARE MANLIER.
haav0c > INDEED
00sage00 > can you be manly without a penis?
00sage00 > nope
haav0c > it is very difficult
haav0c > what if you cut the penis off with a chainsaw?
Casiella Truza > Hmm. Point taken.
haav0c > we can all agree that would be very manly.
00sage00 > that would be unmanly
Casiella Truza > No, we cannot.
haav0c > hey, by your own words
haav0c > manly-stupid
haav0c > penisectomys=stupid
haav0c > penisectomys=manly.
00sage00 > penises = manly

Inane math can be used often, by the same logic as “if all A are B all B are A”

Casiella Truza > No, I said YOU define manly as stupid.
00sage00 > no penises = not manly
Casiella Truza > I do not.
haav0c > hmm
haav0c > maybe we need to define the baseline of manly.

Subject change!

haav0c > for example, lifting a car with a finger is manly.
haav0c > what is the most borderline manly thing?
Casiella Truza > /emote is manly.
haav0c > lifting half a car?
00sage00 > me
haav0c > hmm.
Casiella Truza > I thought 00 was a kid?
Casiella Truza > >.>

Danger! He’s trying to draw me and sage into the “you guys are young and unmanly” setup! Try to change the subject, and when that fails, quantify age as being no issue.

haav0c > he has numbers in his name, how could he possibly be a kid?
00sage00 > i’m a man too 😦
Casiella Truza > THAT’S WHY I THOUGHT HE’S A KID
Casiella Truza > because of the numbers.
haav0c > you’re not making much sense
Casiella Truza > having random 0s in your name tends to make me think you’re younger.

Fair play, straight man. Fair play.

haav0c > hmm.
Casiella Truza > And if 00 is a kid and a man, then he’s borderline, agreed.
haav0c > would a baby lifting a car be more manly than a man lifting a car?
haav0c > in that case, would being younger in fact be more manly?
Casiella Truza > just more freaky
haav0c > hmm.

I’m using math again, just without = signs.

haav0c > we can all agree that hypothetical all-powerful kung-fu geniuses are usually very old.
haav0c > but also badass
haav0c > and by that, manly.
haav0c > so, if we’ve established that a baby, old man, and lumberjack are all manly
Casiella Truza > um. Bruce Lee wasn’t very old.
Casiella Truza > In fact, he died young.

Fair point. Let’s get a counterpoint going.

haav0c > then manlyness has no age definition
00sage00 > you’re making this too complicated
00sage00 > penis size determines manliness
00sage00 > tada. end of discussion
haav0c > could bruce lee beat bruce lee if the second bruce lee trained for another year?
Casiella Truza > I think haav is younger than 00
Casiella Truza > osht then.
haav0c > thuse we conclude that bruce lee, if he were older, would be better at kung-fu
haav0c > THUS the most badass kung-fu dudes are old men.
haav0c > Q.E.D. manly has no age.

I’m not entirely sure what Q.E.D. means, but I’m fairly sure it means “I’m right you’re wrong”. Anywho, his counterpoint has been countered. Time for a subject change!

haav0c > thus, regardless of my age, when I defeat my own heart attack i shall be tha manlyest man ever
haav0c > by reason that it has never been done.
haav0c > if you need me, i’ll be buying sodium patches.
00sage00 > my grandpa survived two heart attacks

Great, now sage is playing the straight man, AND he’s made a possibly awkward point. Tread carefully.

haav0c > but did he DEFEAT them?
Casiella Truza > HE was manly.

Now the initial straight man clings to sage’s point. It is vital you defeat this!

haav0c > was he all like “man, that heart attack was coming at me with a knife, but I got the knife and killed im. twice”
Casiella Truza > surviving mortal enemies is defeating them.
haav0c > or was he “man, that heart attack got me with the knife but I’m OK now”
haav0c > can’t be, the heart attack came back a second time
haav0c > what if the heart attack tries to poison him?
Casiella Truza > new heart attack
Casiella Truza > sent to avenge the first.
Casiella Truza > it failed.
haav0c > mmhm
00sage00 > and obviously the heart attacks are now too scared
haav0c > supporting my previous hypothesis of manlyness having no age.

Since you failed to defeat the point, agree, but use inane logic, again, to make the point seem to support you. Subject change!

haav0c > hmm
haav0c > how many heart attacks would i have to defeat to be the manlyest man?
00sage00 > all of them
haav0c > like, what’s the highest number of heart attacks one person survived?
haav0c > of course, DEFEATING one heart attack is probably better than three, maybe four, survivals.
haav0c > again, how do i challenge a clogged artery to a duel?
haav0c > you guys arn’t being very helpful.
haav0c > I’ve tried yelling already.

Asking stupid questions is a good way to roll a straight man in so you can make an idiotic counterpoint.

00sage00 > you jump a freighter with officer mods into lowsec and watch me shoot it
00sage00 > boom, instant heart attack
haav0c > officer modding a freighter would be manly indeed.
haav0c > ah
haav0c > so, when I’m having the heart attack, THEN i yell at it
00sage00 > no, fill the freighter with mods
haav0c > genius!
haav0c > hmm…
haav0c > walgreens has no sodium patches.
haav0c > can i make them at home?
00sage00 > real men don’t use sodium patches
haav0c > of course!
haav0c > /emote looks for an IV drip
haav0c > thank you sage!
haav0c > I put the salt in the saucepan but it isn’t melting
haav0c > what’s the melting point of sodium?

stupid + dangerous = funny.

00sage00 > defibrilator may be better than an iv
Casiella Truza > AFK a bit.
haav0c > like, spread salt on the paddles?
haav0c > also afk
00sage00 > hi spec
haav0c > watching manly shows
Casiella Truza > SPEC I THOUGHT YOU LEFT AGAIN TODAY
Spectre3353 > lawl you took that seriously
Spectre3353 > L A W L
Casiella Truza > OHH EMM GEE
haav0c > quick, specter
haav0c > cutting off your own head is manly, right?

Since the argument has worn down, I’m trying to pull specter in, either as a straight man or a foil.

00sage00 > no it’s penis size!
00sage00 > cutting off the head would be like 15%
00sage00 > so you’d be 15% less manly

thank you sage.

haav0c > no, the thinking one.
haav0c > wait, let me clarify that
haav0c > the one with hair…no.
haav0c > the one with a nose.
haav0c > the head of a penis is only like 15%, true
Casiella Truza > okay, AFK for real now. lost my ship anyway.
Spectre3353 > yes
Spectre3353 > its manly
haav0c > thank you.
haav0c > had a bit of an argument.

At which point the argument has died. So, that’s how to be an idiot. Good grammer is preferable but unnecessary, almost any point can be defended, and even if no-one laughs SOMEONE is enjoying it. Usually, an unknowing straight man gets a smug sense of satisfaction that he’s smarter than someone else, and you can laugh at that if nothing else.

Fly into a brick wall.

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